C-PAC -- which is short for
Crazy Politically Alienated Cranks, cranks such as Republicants,
Tea Baggers and other flat earth true believers -- is having its yearly
gathering of the herd. This year's fun
fest is scheduled for March 14 – 16 in Washington, DC.
Don't
you wish you could be there? Oh, just think of the good times …
A
rich menu of flat earth seminars is available for the flat earth attendees to choose from:
1-
Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that Barack Obama
is secretly a Muslim born in Uganda.
2-
Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that Barack Obama
is a cyborg.
3-
Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that the sky is pink,
not blue.
The
line-up of scheduled speakers is a perfect indicator of how C-PAC is preparing
to lead America into the 14th century:
1-
Sarah Palin. The former governor of Alaska, former
vice-presidential candidate and former Faux News babbler has mostly burned
through her fifteen minutes of fame. As we
read on a political website years ago, we'll know the end is near for her when
Palin agrees to pose for Playboy
magazine. Palin will speak on the topic
of the Lame Stream Media, a hilarious
term she may or may not have coined.
2-
Newt Gingrich. The former Speaker of the House and pudgy,
adulterating hypocrite is known for big ideas and for a $500,000 credit limit
for jewelry for one of his most recent wives.
Gingrich will address the audience for no less than six hours on how,
when he's elected president, his moon colonies will be a top priority of his
administration. (Gingrich has less
chance of being president than Palin has in speaking in complete sentences.)
3-
Rick Santorum. In a galaxy far, far away, Santorum was once a
senator from Pennsylvania but when he ran for re-election the people of Pennsylvania
said 'over our dead bodies.' That resounding defeat hasn't cooled
Santorum's taste for the spotlight.
Santorum is best known for wearing sweater vests and for the topic of
his presentation – America must stop
allowing women to use birth control.
C-PACers all agree that's a position that leads right to the White
House.
4-
Willard Romney/Paul Ryan. Although Romney and Ryan are scheduled to
speak separately, they will be forever linked in our hearts. Sort of like bad breath and acid reflux. The subject of Romney's speech hasn't been
revealed yet but don't give up hope. Indications
are that he will explain how the 47% of Americans he once described as takers has
expanded under the communist, Muslim, godless policies of the cyborg Obama to
nearly 69% of the American population. VP
candidate Ryan will explain how he couldn't even carry his home state in the
last election.
5-
Wayne 'Call Me Crazy' LaPierre. Call Me Crazy, as he insists on being called,
is a VP in the NRA and mouthpiece for the gun and ammo BIG BUSINESS. Before beginning his talk, entitled -- Think of the Children -- Call Me Crazy
will deny that the NRA wiped its enemies list from the NRA official website. Then Call Me Crazy will wade into the meat of
his talk – Why we must use taxpayer's money to arm all school children against
crazy people with guns.
Think of the Children
… please, just think of the children.
(And increased gun sales.)
And
it's not all white people doin' the talkin, no sir, C-PAC is open to minorities
you betcha, a couple of Hispanics and at least four blacks will make token
appearances.
Sounds
fine …
We've
already booked our room at the Washington Marriott, hope to see you there. And don't forget to pack your:
**Tea Bag Hats;
**Communist, Muslim, Cyborg Detector Night Vision Goggles, and
**some serious 'heat'
(In case we get picketed by any unwashed, dirty, hippie, MSNBC WATCHIN' protestors we'll take
'em out, yes sir.)
ONWARD ... to '14. (1314, that is.)
******************************************
In other gun news: Contact
the Ohio Coalition Against Gun Violence
here; GOP pollster Frank Luntz
found that 74% of NRA members support mandatory background checks but not the
NRA talking heads. Why not?
These pinheads don't realize that
Republicants ain't their friends, they didn't see the memo about REPUBLICANTS
BEING THE PARTY OF EXTREMELY WEALTHY FATCATS. 
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