Monday, February 25, 2013


C-PAC -- which is short for Crazy Politically Alienated Cranks, cranks such as Republicants, Tea Baggers and other flat earth true believers -- is having its yearly gathering of the herd.  This year's fun fest is scheduled for March 14 – 16 in Washington, DC.
Don't you wish you could be there?  Oh, just think of the good times …

A rich menu of flat earth seminars is available for the flat earth attendees to choose from:

1- Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that Barack Obama is secretly a Muslim born in Uganda.
2- Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that Barack Obama is a cyborg.
3- Tactics for convincing your friends, relatives and neighbors that the sky is pink, not blue.

The line-up of scheduled speakers is a perfect indicator of how C-PAC is preparing to lead America into the 14th century:

1- Sarah Palin.  The former governor of Alaska, former vice-presidential candidate and former Faux News babbler has mostly burned through her fifteen minutes of fame.  As we read on a political website years ago, we'll know the end is near for her when Palin agrees to pose for Playboy magazine.  Palin will speak on the topic of the Lame Stream Media, a hilarious term she may or may not have coined.

2- Newt Gingrich.  The former Speaker of the House and pudgy, adulterating hypocrite is known for big ideas and for a $500,000 credit limit for jewelry for one of his most recent wives.  Gingrich will address the audience for no less than six hours on how, when he's elected president, his moon colonies will be a top priority of his administration.  (Gingrich has less chance of being president than Palin has in speaking in complete sentences.)

3- Rick Santorum.  In a galaxy far, far away, Santorum was once a senator from Pennsylvania but when he ran for re-election the people of Pennsylvania said 'over our dead bodies.'  That resounding defeat hasn't cooled Santorum's taste for the spotlight.  Santorum is best known for wearing sweater vests and for the topic of his presentation – America must stop allowing women to use birth control.  C-PACers all agree that's a position that leads right to the White House.

4- Willard Romney/Paul Ryan.  Although Romney and Ryan are scheduled to speak separately, they will be forever linked in our hearts.  Sort of like bad breath and acid reflux.  The subject of Romney's speech hasn't been revealed yet but don't give up hope.  Indications are that he will explain how the 47% of Americans he once described as takers has expanded under the communist, Muslim, godless policies of the cyborg Obama to nearly 69% of the American population.  VP candidate Ryan will explain how he couldn't even carry his home state in the last election.

5- Wayne 'Call Me Crazy' LaPierre.   Call Me Crazy, as he insists on being called, is a VP in the NRA and mouthpiece for the gun and ammo BIG BUSINESS.  Before beginning his talk, entitled -- Think of the Children -- Call Me Crazy will deny that the NRA wiped its enemies list from the NRA official website.  Then Call Me Crazy will wade into the meat of his talk – Why we must use taxpayer's money to arm all school children against crazy people with guns.  
Think of the Children … please, just think of the children.  (And increased gun sales.)

And it's not all white people doin' the talkin, no sir, C-PAC is open to minorities you betcha, a couple of Hispanics and at least four blacks will make token appearances.
Sounds fine …

We've already booked our room at the Washington Marriott, hope to see you there.  And don't forget to pack your:
**Tea Bag Hats;
**Communist, Muslim, Cyborg Detector Night Vision Goggles, and
**some serious 'heat' (In case we get picketed by any unwashed, dirty, hippie, MSNBC WATCHIN' protestors we'll take 'em out, yes sir.)

ONWARD ... to '14.  (1314, that is.)


In other gun news:  Contact the Ohio Coalition Against Gun Violence here; GOP pollster Frank Luntz found that 74% of NRA members support mandatory background checks but not the NRA talking heads.  Why not?

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